Relationship Counselling
Hi! Andrew here, from Terrain Counselling.
I met my partner in early 2019. This is the longest I have ever been in an intimate relationship. There have been demanding times for us both: Periods of unplanned unemployment; Sickness, treatment, and the subsequent death of two of our pets; The undertaking of a doctoral thesis and the writing of it; Leaving a home we felt secure in, finding a new residence and moving; Mental health struggles, Financial hardship and strain. We have suffered through pains that have tested us individually and as a couple.
In my work as a counsellor, I note that many of the broad strokes of stress that my partner and I have experienced are common challenges for all couples: Work or study requirements, grief and loss, personal psychological trials, questionable housing security and financial volatility. Add in the responsibility of raising children to the mix for a couple and I get the sense that relationships can feel more like a water spilling, plunging, surging, and collapsing. Contentment and serenity seem fleeting and rickety at best on the ocean of togetherness. If it’s that rough then, is it even worth the investment?
The tensions and pressures of couplehood can break people apart. As I listen to my clients, some are teetering, and others are on the verge of collapse. While observing the implosion may be a cause of alarm for me as a therapist, I take some assurance in research that I read that suggests that support-seeking behaviour is a positive sign for those in a relationship, even if at this stage it may only be one of the two persons involved (Neff & Broady, 2011). Furthermore, the study shows that stress, rather than being an absolute factor for break up, can in fact be a catalyst for enhanced durability and can foster relational growth (LeBaron et al., 2020).
I love my partner. I love my partner more now than I did years ago. Why? In some respects, it's simply because we have been through anguish and misery and stuck together. Those times have changed us. We have grown and understand each other more. We are better at being together. My regard for my partner has increased and I see beauty in deeper and more nuanced ways. My partner is at the top of my gratitude list.
I know that not all my clients’ relationships will survive the turbulent sea they are in. Nonetheless, there is evidence and assurance that conflict and disagreement need not be an end point. They can lead to symbiosis and harmony. My hope is not just to live that truth in my relationship, but to support others to find it for themselves.
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References
LeBaron, A. B., Curran, M. A., Li, X., Dew, J. P., Sharp, T. K., & Barnett, M. A. (2020). Financial Stressors as Catalysts for Relational Growth: Bonadaptation Among Lower-Income, Unmarried Couples. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 41(3), 424–441. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-020-09666-z
Neff, L. A., & Broady, E. F. (2011). Stress Resilience in Early Marriage: Can Practice Make Perfect? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(5), 1050–1067. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023809
