Why do men become perpetrators of violence?
Hi! Andrew here, from Terrain Counselling.
Men are a#$holes. Whether stated explicitly or implicitly, this is how some of my female friends feel. They have good reason. For a satirical summary please see Barbie (2023). Of course, past the satire are real women who are frightened, hurt, abused, and murdered. Just sit down with women and let them talk to you about their experiences with men. They’ll tell you first-hand about how awful men can be. The heartbreaking and brutal truth is that this is nothing new. Among other sources, history both ancient and modern as well as strong women advocates testify to that.
When I watched the above film with my partner and the news from recent weeks (April-May 2024), I wonder what effect being woke – to use the modern idiom – to men’s wickedness will have? I take this seriously because when I hear “men are scum” or any expletive laden variation thereof, I take it as a personal indictment. I, who by biology, assignment, identification, or some combination of them, am a man. Am I “insert chosen pejorative here”?
Yes. I have and sometimes behave in ways that are regrettable. I need to be accountable and own that. I try to. One of the lessons I learned early through religion were the notions of saying sorry, making atonement and damn well trying to do better. I live by that still. For that reason, when men are labelled as a#4holes, that word being used to describe the totality of what it is to be a man, it raises a concern in me. Am I not more than that? Or does my behaviour on any level determine what I am completely? If that’s true, once cancelled, always cancelled. True. There are good reasons for perpetual cancelation. Some a#$holes should never get out on bail.
Perhaps the outcry that “all men are scum” is the frustrated and just demand of women for men to do better. Maybe that nuance is lost in the statement. That’s understandable. When we are hurt, subtlety and distinctions are lost. Our women want men to be the men they are made to be and if not that at the very least they want us to fulfill our potential as men: to be good, honest, true and open.
Yet, a myriad of questions race through my mind. Why do we men fail and sometimes fail miserably? Why don’t we live up to the standards that incredible women want us to have and that we men want of ourselves? More acutely I wonder why men become perpetrators of murder, violence and abuse be that physical, emotional, financial, or sexual?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
After some considered reading of research, these are some reasons why men are or can become perpetrators.
Compensation. We men can be emotionally insecure. What do we do to make up for those feelings? Exhibit hyper masculine, aggressive and/or anti-social behaviour. Of course, staying fit and taking care of our bodies is good for us. Ask any wise health care professional. But, when that activity is a mask for the veneer of low-self-worth, there’s an issue. Toxic masculinity, controlling tendencies can increase and our negotiating skills decrease.
Power. When a person is threatened their innate response is to fight. If I feel someone has more power than me, my impulse is to exert and assert power over that person. How does this happen in our intimate relationships? She may earn more money than me. That’s threatening to my ego. There are umpteen ways we men feel emasculated. So, she must know who is in charge.
Gender norms. I admit, I have always been a more sensitive bloke who has erred on the side of books than the competitiveness of the sports arena whatever its shape. Nonetheless whether it be intellectual, sporting or any other form of desire for grandeur, the interior demand is the same. As a man I must at all times demonstrate strength and resilience. It brings to mind the quote used by the well-known vulnerability researcher and author, Brene Brown: “The man in the arena.” That image of one who is armoured, muddied in battle, and wounded but never surrenders in the face of adversity. Of course, the point of that quote is inspiring. But if the warrior image is taken to its enth degree and in isolation, we might be convinced that as men the expectation is we must be invulnerable. Translated: I live out my relationships like a prize fighter entering a stadium. Let no one see my weakness. I must dominate the other. What if a man doesn’t fit into that gender norm? Enter fear of judgement, internalised stigma, and compounding shame. Danger zone territory and the feeling one is never enough.
Financial pressure. What if the man is the sole or major financial contributor in a household? Combine that with debt, bills and/or dependents. What if you run your own business or do shift work? Stress goes up. So do the chances of poor self-care, higher alcohol consumption, rises in gambling problems or substance abuse. Alongside those dysfunctions, there can be a surge in destructive behaviour not just within but without. As a man’s world is shaken, others are caught in the wake. We can’t understate the power of poor financial conditions. This may be a result of unemployment or a low paying laborious job. Maybe there’s work disillusionment or emotional strain. “I hate my job, but I have to do it. There’s no other choice.” That’s where aggression and violence can brew.
The environment. The space where a man grows up impacts who he becomes. Slip in adverse childhood experiences - verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Men can move into amber light territory. What about homes where boys observe men hurt women? This is the atmosphere where the intergenerational transmission of violence can escalate. The boy observes and replicates what he sees modelled by the adults in his life. “That’s how it was in my childhood home and so it goes in mine.” A devastating cycle.
The patriarchy. Past ignorance and limited understandings continue to be perpetuated, don’t they? Although I’m not a massive consumer of social media, I’m aware of the promotion of the archaic and offensive notion that women are objects and/or property. This is their nature, not their choice. The notion of appreciation of differences as points of complementarity or sharing equal dignity and rights is nowhere to be seen.
All head. As people get older, we are required to trust less in our emotions and rely more on our rationality. For a lot of men, their already impoverished sense of interoception is undermined even further. If a man doesn’t know what he’s feeling because he’s out of touch with that part of himself, how will he notice when he’s depressed or suffering psychologically? More to it, could the normalisation of emotional disregard for men’s emotions contribute to the struggle for men to express emotion?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Consider for a moment how a person’s character and habits, including behaviours, are formed. There’s that interplay between what’s inborn, reinforced and chosen over years. It’s against that thick tapestry that we envision the slow and challenging process of change. This is an uphill battle. To be clear this is not an excuse for abusive, violent, or criminal behaviour. However, if the above factors are working against the men who hurt women, this highlights that shameful actions can happen for various reasons. If that’s true, then there’s hope for change. Those actions don’t have to define who a person is, nor do they have to be the whole story.
The following is directed to my fellow men. What can we do?
Simply put, intimate partner violence is never justified. There is no room for it. We don’t tolerate it in ourselves or anyone else.
One of the best things a man can do is side with women. Not passively. Cheer for women. Their rights, access to education, financial independence and autonomous decision making. You know, all the stuff we blokes have as a given. We do this not because women can’t do it for themselves, but because they shouldn’t have to do it alone. We stand in her corner and celebrate her wins.
Consider your employment. Maybe some are in a position to pick up sticks, retrain and restart. Have you considered study part-time? It’s never too late. Is there opportunity to negotiate your salary? Take it. All work and no play? We need balance. Even as we get older, take on responsibilities, work, have relationships, we need to make leisure choices that are reflective and offer us re-creation. Sport, travel, reading, music, or art can be sources not just of entertainment but reflection.
There’s got to be a better way to connect as men without dependence upon the lubrication of alcohol or other drugs. We’ve got to keep that stuff in check. That world has been the norm for so long for so many of us and relating without depending on those things is intimidating. Even so, you’d be surprised how many other men feel the same way. Can we be daring together? Can we find space to communicate not just what we think but how we feel, honestly, with other men? I recently heard about the ManKind Project Australia. There’s the amazing Resilience Project or the Men’s Table. Great places and spaces for men to take control of their lives, find support, cleanse, grow and be reformed.
Finally, consider what it’s like when you wield power over another. Makes you feel tough, right? What would it be like if someone did that to you. How would you feel? Men have abused their power long enough. Can we choose to do better than that? Gentlemen, can we tap into that part of us that is rich with integrity? Be strong and kind? After all, when power is aligned with empathy that’s when we are at our best.
GET IN TOUCH WITH TERRAIN COUNSELLING
References
Chandra, R., Srivastava, S., Singh, A., Mukherjee, S., & Patel, J. K. (2023). Locating perpetrators of violence against women in India: An analysis of married men’s characteristics associated with intimate partner violence. PloS One, 18(8), e0289596–e0289596. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0289596
Gibbs, A., Mkhwanazi, S., & Sikweyiya, Y. (2022). Stepping Stones and Creating Futures: A group‐based approach to addressing violence against women through working with men. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 78(1), 26–37. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.23293
Sexton, D., (2024, April 26). What we get wrong about men. Psychologytoday.com/au https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/from-addiction-to-recovery/202404/what-we-get-wrong-about-men
